Jokes

Joke or truth?
9502
 
An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:
"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

"Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden! That's where the bodies are buried. Love Vinnie"

At 4 am next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from this son.

"Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie"
 
So a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants and orders a pint of rum (or whatever pirates drink)
The bartender looks at him weird but thinks to himself "well, pirates are great customers and spend a lot on drink so i wont question him in case it offends.
several hours go by as the pirate slugs back his drinks until eventually, closing time rolls around.
the bartender walks up the pirate and says "Look buddy, you have been a great customer all night but we are closing and its time to go back home to your boat. Before you go, though, I have been wanting to ask you this all night: Why the hell do you have a steering wheel down your pants?"

The pirate stands up and says "Yarrr, It's drivin' me nuts!"
 
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair,
until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”

“What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”

So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
 
I recall my version:

A brown bear asks a white rabbit how does it keeps fur so white when you poop?. The white rabbit, says, that's easy, just fine something clean and wipe yourself with it. The bear looks around for something clean and grabs the white rabbit, and wipes himself with the rabbit.
 
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal medicine man who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.

When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the medicine man looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
 
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